WTF #12: Space Chimps

I would have really liked to make this post about stupid animal-based animated movies, but given the recent success of Kung Fu Panda, it wouldn’t be fair to lump that into this post (although, by the name alone, Kung Fu Panda should have tanked, but thanks to its amazing cast and high production value and quality, it did well).

No, this post will focus solely on the animation bomb that will be Space Chimps, which I’m sure every parent will be dragged in to see by their eight year old child and their friends.  The only nice things I’ll say about the movie is that the voice talent is good and some of the art looks ok.  Other than that, this has to be the biggest waste of money since Britney Spears’ Wedding.

The movie has every formulaic element of a middle-of-the-road kids movie: a happy-go-lucky yet reluctant hero, a love interest, the uptight pain-in-the-ass, and a villain with a ridiculous name (Zartog).  It’s probably going to have a ton of fart jokes, juvenile humor, puns involving primates and fruit (“Hey! Quit MONKEYING around!” or “I’m going BANANAS for you!”  Haha, get it?  They’re monkeys!  They eat bananas!  It’s funny!)  Plus its being produced by Fox Animation, who should really only stick to the small screen and lay off the silver screen.  Leave the big boy stuff to Pixar or Dreamworks.

The movie has few (if any) endorsement deals and with just nine days until its release, it seems like there’s been relatively little press.  Hey Fox, if you’re so embarrassed about a crappy kids movie that nobody will watch, why the hell did you make one in the first place?  Quit screwing around and start working on new episodes of Family Guy instead.

So please, no more animated animal movies, especially with concepts like monkeys in space.  It’s tiresome, it’s retarded, it’s just stupid.

WTF #11: Heidi Montag

(Montag, left, with boytoy fiance Spencer Pratt)

In a world of vapid blonde bimbos, there appears to be one that stands heads and shoulders above the rest.  The insufferable Heidi Montag, the Hills co-star and ex-BFF of protagonist Lauren (who recently was given some credit for her hidden talent: intellectualism).  Montag was recently interviewed by USA Today to discuss…oh let’s be honest.  There is nothing she can actually talk about other than The Hills and its related items.  So in this snippet from AOL News, she talks about the feud between her and Lauren.  For those not in the know, Heidi and Spencer stand accused of spreading rumors of a sex tape of Lauren and her then boyfriend, which so obvs didn’t happen beeteedubs (or did it?), but whatever, it’s enough material for the show’s story editors to work with (yes, I said story editors.  Don’t believe me?).

Back to the point:  Heidi actually compared herself to Jesus, as in, “our lord and saviour” Jesus, this guy.  The self-proclaimed “non-denominational Baptist” and also “the most religious person” said this exact quote on comparing herself to God’s son:

“I don’t even want to talk about that. There were rumors about a sex tape, but I had nothing to do with that. God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I’m going to get persecuted, ya know? But it doesn’t matter to me.”

Yeah, you’re right.  I mean in a way, you really are the second coming of Christ.  I just thought that our messiah would have a little more substance in life.  I didn’t exactly picture him her going to exclusive clubs every night, getting drunk, and yelling at people from across the room about a feud so childish and stupid, it’s to the point where nobody really cares anymore.  But by all means, if you’re implying that one day you’re going to be nailed to a cross and backstabbed by your BFFs, then there might be some truth to that.

But seriously Heidi, WTF?  I’m really not buying the whole “I’m Jesus” thing.  This guy played up that angle really big and look what happened.  Or a better example is this guy and his consequence.  Now you don’t want that happening to you, do you?

Heidi also told USA Today that she and Spencer are planning to go to Africa to “feed the children and help build things.”  Right…  Just make sure Spencer gets paid well.  This will be a bigger joke than that idiot reporter from the Post.

(Photograph via Babbler)

WTF #10: The Waterfalls Project

Today marks the “grand opening” of the city’s latest massive installation art project: Olafur Eliasson’s Waterfalls.  In an article in today’s New York Times, Mayor Bloomberg has been touting the project all morning and was making the rounds to get New Yorkers excited about seeing water (because we obviously don’t see enough of it, being that our city is a freakin’ archipelago).  It is the largest public art project to be displayed in New York City since The Gates, and pumps 35,000 gallons of water a minute.  Bloomberg calls it a triumph of human imagination, and expects the privately (and partially publicly) financed project (which cost $15.5 million) to generate about $55 million in economic revenue for the city.

Today I saw the waterfall that’s on the north shore of Governor’s Island.  All I can say is: that shit’s weak.  From a distance, it barely looks like anything’s coming out, and furthermore, its just a giant metal frame that’s messing up the landscape.

Plus aren’t we in like some sort of economic crisis anyway?  How can we spend money on stuff like this?  And I really hope these aren’t being powered by gas.

(Photograph via The New York Times)

WTF #9: VH1’s “I Love The New Millennium”

Tonight marks the premiere of VH1’s “I Love The New Millennium“, the latest in their string of “I Love The…” series. Dude, we’re not even done with this decade yet. Were you not able to find enough obscure material for “I Love The 80’s 4”? Did Carnie Wilson refuse to do another reality show for you guys? Sheesh…

After The Jump: Our Full Commentary

WTF #8: People Who Don’t Know How To Comment

At The Lane Train, we love our precious, few commenters, and we think that everyone should have an opinion and the right to express that opinion.  However, there is a fine line between a dissenting opinion and something completely uncalled for.  In our story on Jamie-Lynn’s impending birth earlier this week, one commenter got seriously miffed.  “Jordan” wrote:

You are such a little hater.
Shit happens. And everyone needs to get over her getting pregnant.
And just because someone is from a small town doesnt mean they talk like a damn hick.
Get over the steriotypes.
You need to get a life and stop digging through hers.
Fuck you.
kthanksbye.

Aww, isn’t this cute?  You really think you’re making a difference and taking a stand.  How sweet.  Here’s why I don’t really care:

1. Every comment you make directs traffic to my blog, which is good.  In this weekend alone we have more than quadrupled the amount of visitors we get daily, so everyone is going to see how retarded you sound in this comment.
2. “Everyone needs to get over her being pregnant”.  In the opinion of this blog, we’re very happy for the birth of Jamie-Lynn’s child, but we believe that the ex-TV star should have been more careful in using contraceptives and birth control so that she wouldn’t have gotten pregnant in the first place.  We do, however, commend Casey Aldridge for sticking with her through this time.
3. You spelled “stereotypes” wrong
4. You care enough about the blog to post your opinion.  I win!

In conclusion, comments like these only expose the total naiveness of some internet users who believe that posting hateful, insenstive, and poorly written comments will change the sway of the blog.  Sadly, it won’t.  This blog will continue to stand by its opinion and its work.

However, due to this comment, there will be new rules for future comments, so please see our new Policy page for all comment rules.

 

WTF #7: Starbucks Iced Caramel Macchiato

The way my day typically works is that after I hop off the subway, I head over to Starbucks and pick up something caffeinated and the paper (so I can do the crossword and get some leads for the blog). Today I decided to switch things up and instead of getting my usual, I decided to try the Iced Caramel Macchiato. When served hot, it’s pretty tasty. Cold, however, is an entirely different story.

Notwithstanding the fact that I had to wait forever, I actually got to see the baristas making me the sickeningly sweet concoction. They start with a base of vanilla syrup. They opened up a new bottle to make mine, but when the barista started pouring it into my cup, the following exchange occurred:

BARISTA #1: Whoa! That’s WAAAY too much syrup! Are you sure that’s ok?

BARISTA #2: Yeah, because they’re not gonna know, and if they complain, whatever.

To complete the recipe, they fill the whole cup up with milk, dump in a huge scoop of ice, then dump in two very tiny shots of espresso, followed by a generous serving of caramel sauce. It is horrifically sweet, not very caffeinated, and I’m still sleepy. Plus they charge like four bucks for this shit. What the hell is wrong with them? Can I please get some coffee with my cup of milk-sugar?

Needless to say, I’ll never order an iced macchiato again. In fact, I’d much rather have this instead.

WTF #6: Gawker’s Obsession with Julia Allison

This WTF is sort of a niche post, probably most relevant to devout followers of Gawker (like myself). However, one peeve I have with the site is what seems to be its nonstop coverage of some chick named Julia Allison. I have no idea what this woman does, nor do I know why my favorite blog writes a post about her daily. It’s usually something crude, crass, and about her being a slut/whore/publicity mongerer, but really, its enough. Searching her name on Gawker’s records reveals over 350 hits (in less than a second, no less). It’s disgusting. Gawker elevates her to levels of fame that only bimbos like Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian could could achieve.

Then I looked her up on Wikipedia. Apparently, Julia Allison has a job in publishing (Gawker’s niche in addition to gossip) and went to college, so score two points for her. Still, Gawker needs to find some other lame fodder to fill in their four billion posts a day (I know, look who’s talking, right?) rather than just easily reaching into the Julia Allison chum bucket. In fact, if it’s really a slow news day at the snarkiest site on the web, the Marc Jacobs-and-his-boytoys story mill is much more entertaining. Just a suggestion.

WTF #5: The River To River Festival

You know those free July 4th concerts held by River To River? This year, famed indie-alt rockers Sonic Youth are scheduled to perform at Battery Park for the annual show, and even though its free, you still need a ticket to get into the venue. It didn’t help that the fine folks at River to River sent out an email announcing that tickets would be “on sale” less than an hour before the scheduled release time. WTF R2R? Why do you have to be so shady like that? Thanks to your timely reminder, I didn’t get it until after I got back from running around all this noontime and when I finally tried to get tickets at 2:15, they were gone. There’s really no excuse for that, perhaps someone at your marketing board should have sent that email out earlier, like A DAY OR A WEEK AGO.

No word yet on whether River to River will be giving away tickets in part of any other upcoming promotions or alongside its otherwise crappy lineup, but those looking for free Sonic Youth tickets (myself included) are sorely out of luck. Or you could try working a deal with this guy.

WTF #4: McDonald’s “Southern Style” Chicken

The Golden Arches never seem to stop inventing new ways to lure in customers and add new (and sometimes bizzare) menu items. So in an effort to capture the…well, we’re not really sure what kind of market McDonald’s is going after with their latest promotion, but I can’t turn on the TV without seeing ads for this new “Southern Style” Chicken. So being the curious consumer, I tried both the sandwich (above) and the biscuit, y’know, just to see why they’re so great.

What’s so great is what a huge ripoff these items are. To start, the chicken itself is essentially a giant chicken nugget with barely any distinction from any other chicken on the menu, and while it tastes pretty good, somehow the price you pay for it doesn’t really make any sense. How does Mickey D’s even have the gall to charge almost three bucks for a large chicken nugget with two pickle slices between bread? You could get a dollar McChicken and still have the same freakin’ sandwich basically. The breakfast biscuit fares slightly better, but I guess because it’s chicken, it gives McDonald’s an excuse to charge more for it than it does for other tasty breakfast items.

But the biggest problem with this sandwich? The marketing. Some have called McDonald’s ads for the sandwiches racist and offensive. No kidding, really? That can’t be, even though almost all of the aforementioned ads feature black people essentially saying “Mmm, I love this fried southern style chicken”. But seriously, racist advertising? Who does that anyways?

WTF #3: Andrea Peyser

There are three main reasons why anyone reads the New York Post: It costs less than the New York Times, Page Six, and Cindy Adams. And if there was a fourth reason, it would be for Andrea Peyser, the Post’s unapologetic, brazenly conservative femme fatale who day after day offers a no-nonsense opinion on something New York-ish or dealing with the most trivial aspects of pop culture (her commentary on Paris Hilton during the jail fiasco was Pulitzer-worthy). Seriously, you don’t want to mess with this brash columnist for New York’s second third tier newspaper

And this is exactly why she deserves a WTF.

Who made her the authority to tell us the moral complications surrounding Paris’ jailtime, or more recently, about how we should view the whole McGreevey divorce hearings. Look, we all know that journalists have to make a name for themselves in a business that’s slowly being eaten away by bloggers like myself, but if she wants people to take her seriously, she should try not to be such a bitch and write some useful editorials. Blah blah blah, nobody cares about another pop culture commentary in the newspaper (thats what blogs are for). She should go report on some hard hitting Post style journalism, like praising Bush or saying how liberals, not cancer, will kill Ted Kennedy.

And besides, the least she could do is make herself look more attractive. Or update her website. It looks like a five year old made it.