This Person Will Probably Get Fired

Just read this:

[Defamer]

Celebrities are Poor Just Like You!

Oh man, have you heard about how fucking high gas prices are these days?  Sure, they affect all you poor people out there who can’t drive a car anymore or have traded down their Hummer H2 to a Prius, but like, the mega rich celebrities don’t have to worry because they can totally afford everything right?  Wrong!

In a story reported on Yahoo today, famous person Sean “Diddy” Combs (what does he do nowadays?  Is he a rapper? producer? fashion designer? appearance maker?) complained that since gas prices are too high, he’ll have to, *sigh*, stop using private jet transport and fly on commercial airlines just like the rest of us.  Said Combs:

“I’m actually flying commercial…That’s how high gas prices are. I’m at the gate right now. This is really happening, proof gas prices are too high. Tell whoever the next president is we need to bring gas prices down.”

This is both hilarious and sad, sorta reminds me of the episode of South Park when the boys steal music online, and then the fed show them that thanks to their theft, the artists won’t be able to continue their extravagant lifestyles.  Someone should also tell Diddy that he can, like, choose the next president because he can vote, remember?

And boy, is he going to have a fit when he finds out you can’t get Dom Perignon on American Airlines!

Kate Moss Immortalized as Gold Statue, Colossal Waste of Money

The post-modern contemporary batshit crazy art world has certainly seen its fair share of bizarre and strange works,and in the grand tradition of freaking people out and gathering a collective “WTF??”, British sculptor Marc Quinn has added to this ever growing collection of artistic oddities.  According to E! via Yahoo, Quinn unveiled a $2.8 million gold statue of famous supermodel/coke pirate Kate Moss.  Quinn, whose Moss obsession was seen in an earlier work where he created a plaster version of Moss in an odd yoga pose (dubbed “Sphinx”), is said to have created the largest gold statue since Ancient Egypt, with the sculpture weighing in at 110 pounds (about one Kate Moss).  When asked why he decided to sculpt Moss, Quinn replied:

“I thought the next thing to do would be to make a sculpture of the person who’s the ideal beauty of the moment…but even Kate Moss doesn’t live up to the image.”

In other words, it makes total sense that the poster child of anorexia and cocaine abuse gets a fucking gold statue made of her, while other former models who do good with their lives…don’t.  Plus, this has to be the British’s way of saying that they (meaning their people) have enough disposable income to be able to spend it on something as frivolous as a gold statue.

Then again…

The Michael Phelps Diet

Are you tired of being a fat-assed slob and wish that you could have the dream body like world’s greatest swimmer and multi-Olympic Gold Medalist Michael Phelps?  Then boy, do we have the diet plan for you.

If you think Michael Phelps got this physique by watching his weight and eating proper, you are horribly wrong.  According to The Wall Street Journal, Phelps eats roughly 12,000 calories a day.  To put that into perspective, that’s about six times what a normal person should eat.  Do you think you could stomach the Phelps diet for one day?

After The Jump: A typical menu for Michael Phelps (excerpted from The Wall Street Journal)

Jeez, How Much More Can Detroit Suck?

If anyone tells you they live in Detroit, I think it’s automatic you feel pity for them.  Even though they’re a stones throw away from a hippie Liberal nation with free healthcare and magical Maple Syrup geysers, Detroit has been plagued by crime, the decline of the auto industry, crime, Eminem, crime, and did I mention a lot of crime?  Although nothing says that your city has hit rock-bottom when your own mayor is thrown jail.  Seriously.

Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was sent to jail when he violated the judge’s orders by making a quick trip to Windsor, Ontario for “city business”.  Kilpatrick, who was already charged with perjury and various felonies, apologized, but nontheless has to report to jail until his trial, which convenes in September.  He’s thankful, at least, that he’ll get his own cell because he’s a “high-profile inmate”, but will have to wear a jumpsuit like everyone else.

What. a. loser.

ZOMG New Post!!!

Oh hey, so sorry for neglecting you, my dear readers.  Well, it’s been a while…only a week, but still a long time since I posted something new.  I’m gonna be honest, it’s been a slow week, and also, I’ve been obsessing about the Montauk Monster that shored up online a bit ago.  But aside from seeing that horrible horrible corpse of a hellspawn wash up, here are some other things that have been happening in the world:

• The Hiltons and the McCains are having a hissy fit.  Apparently, it was totally not cool that even though Hilton family gave the McCain campaign $60,000 in donations, McCain used Paris’ image in a Barack Obama attack ad, so now like, they are totally not BFFAE anymore.  Kathy Hilton even wrote a letter in defense of her daughter!
• The Dark Knight was #1 at the Box Office for the third straight week in a row, mostly because it is a) awesome and b) nothing good came out this past weekend.  Also, Kevin Costner’s new movie bombed (predictable).  Bring on Pineapple Express!
• A thing washed up on Montauk beach in Long Island and quickly became a huge internet sensation.  The best part is that none of the original images have been photoshopped and even though Gawker was the first to break the story, it got reports on all the major cable news stations!  Yay for apocalyptic internet memes!
• Tucker Max, the internet king of raunchy college stories in which he gets drunk, acts like a douchebag, and bonks girls only to dispose of them like used tissues, is coming out with a movie based on his rapey toolshed life.
• The price of crude oil fell below $120 per gallon today, but that still won’t stop those fucking gas stations from gouging you at the pump.
• People has officially released its most expensive magazine cover ever: A shot of Brangelina and the twins that cost the publication $14 million dollars! Somebody remind me again if Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie do anything anymore?
• And of course, the Summer Olympics begin this Friday.  Let the performance enhancing drug-fest begin!

No, You Can’t Name Your Child That

Found this story via AOL News.  A New Zealand judge has decided in the favor of a nine-year-old girl in allowing her to change her name from something other than what her parents named her.  The girl, who was formerly known as “Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii”, will have her name legally changed to something more sensible.  According to New Zealand law, she can change it to any other popular common girls name, or a string of approved “specialty” names, like Number 16 Bus Shelter or Violence.  However, she can’t rename herself “Fish and Chips”.  That’s a no-no.

The more interesting item on this page was the Orlando couple featured below who actually sold the naming rights to their unborn son to a local radio station in exchange for a $100 gas card.  You can’t do that!  First of all, you’re letting a bunch of shock jocks take over your baby’s moniker (and they could have named him something obscene, like Pussy Wagon, but luckily, they’re just naming the kid after themselves).  Second, you’re letting the Arabs win!  Imagine what a weird place this country would be if we had $6 gas and everyone was named like a celebrity baby.  Jeez.

They should have just named the damn kid “Unleaded”.

Heidi and Spencer Plan Trip to Iraq, America Dumbfounded

It’s been a summer of bizarre and stupid headlines for Hollywood’s dumbest duo.  Between feudin’ Spencer and “OMG I’m like Jesus” Heidi, could the Pratt-Montag juggernaut get any more retarded?  Yes it can.

People reported yesterday that the two were planning a trip to Iraq.  You know, like for the shopping, spas, and exclusive clubs that will pay Spencer’s $100,000 partying fee.  Actually, they’e going on a USO sponsored tour to perform for the troops.  Yes, you heard me right, to perform.

While the trip is surprisingly a well-reasoned idea (Heidi’s stepbrother was a veteran of Afghani and Iraqi combat before passing away unexpectedly), I’m not so sure that sending these two to entertain the troops is really a good idea.  Heidi can barely sing herself, and what is Spencer going to do, walk around in a popped collar shirt and dance to bass-heavy hip-hop club jams?

Realistically, they could set up the stage to look like Club Area and have a bunch of extras walk around as Heidi and Spencer argue like children, throwing drinks at each other.  Yeah, I think that would be the best use of their combined talents.

Bizarre: The Fast Food/Lip Balm Tie-In

This is not a joke and I’m damned sure no additional photoshop was done here.  I was on my way out of the drug store when I saw this hanging on the shelf.  Apparently, people with chapped lips can now have their mouth tasting like a Dairy Queen sundae all the time.  How outrageous is that?  The DQ website had no information about the availability or existence of said lip balm, but a BNet article from four years ago explains the product’s preponderance.  Apparently, Lotta Luv, a novelty lip gloss/balm manufacturer, made exclusive licensing deals with a bunch of major confectioners and beverage producers years ago (like Hershey’s, Snapple, and A&W to name a few), and now has a huge line of novelty flavored lip balms that taste just like your favorite candies and snacks.   So thanks to them, your lips can smell and taste like a hot fuge sundae, a Tootsie Roll, or even Cinnabon.

Hmmm, sounds shady.  Well, I guess if it’s not in one’s best interest to eat these foods anymore, the least you can do is overcharge people to enjoy the fleeting flavor.  Now if they could only make lip balm that tasted like this…

(Image via Flickr)

OMG GUIDO FIGHT!

The news gods must have been smiling down upon New York today, because you just can’t make shit like this up.  Splashed across the front page of AMNY today was the simple headline, “SI vs. NJ: IT’S ON!“.  Oh noes!  What could it possibly be?  Apparently a bar-fight broke out somewhere on the Jersey Shore between a Jersey Girl and a Staten Islander, which caused the town’s mayor to call Staten Islanders a bunch of guidos.  Whoa there!  Them’s fightin’ words!  So true though because there are no guidos in New Jersey, right?

After The Jump: Mayor Pringle‘s (oh man, this story cannot get any better) harsh words