Fall Television to Become Supersaturated with Michael Phelps

So what do you do when you win 8 gold medals and become the single greatest athlete in the world (and history)?  You go into show business, duh!  The 23 year old phenomenon (and power eater) will do at least two TV appearances this fall.  First and foremost, he will be hosting the September 13th premiere of Saturday Night Live with musical guest Lil’ Wayne, and will follow in a tradition of great athlete-actors, such as Wayne Gretzky, Derek Jeter, and fellow Olympic Gold Medalist LeBron James(I know, I’m shuddering too).  In addition Phelps is slated to make an appearance on the popular HBO Series “Entourage”.  And finally, he will present an award at the VMAs next week.

Any more of this superstar on my precious boob tube and I’m gonna start feeling waterlogged…

Double Feature: Olympics and DNC Wrap-Up

Oh man, what a whirlwind few weeks it’s been.  The Beijing Olympics wrapped up this past Sunday and right after that, some crazy party got underway in Denver.  China won a slew of gold medals, had underage gymnasts, and was embarassed when it got caught for forging the opening ceremonies and when its star sprinter got injured and withdrew.  Then Barack Obama like, totally text messaged everyone that his VP was going to be the spokesman for Bosley Hair Club for Men.  All this led up to a loud, wild, screaming throng of Democrats who unanimously showed support for the junior Illinois senator to be their man in the contest for the Oval Office.  Ladies and Gentlemen, the race is on.  Meow.

After the Jump:  Final thoughts on the Olympics, plus thoughts on the DNC

Michael Phelps Officially Greatest Human Being Ever

Last night east coast time, Michael Phelps picked up his 8th gold medal of the Beijing Olympics, setting a new record of number of gold medals achieved in a single games, surpassing former record-holder Mark Spitz, and in the process, set seven world records and one olympic record.  Dang.  Rumors are swelling that Phelps (like his predecessor) may retire after these games and accomplishing this feat, but who knows.

In any case, now that the Olympics have peaked after 1 week, is there anything left to watch?  Yes.

Three More Golds for Team USA

Last night’s stirring coverage on NBC saw Team USA rack up three more impressive gold medal.  First, swimmer Rebecca Soni (above) won the 200m breastroke, beating out now former-world-record-holder Leisel Jones of Australia.  Then, Michael Phelps won his sixth gold medal, beating fellow American Ryan Lochte, in the 200m individual medley.  And finally, in the women’s individual all-around, American Nastia Liukin nabbed the gold while her teammate, Shawn Johnson, struck silver.

As of last night, the US now leads in total medals (with an impressive 44), while China still leads in gold (24 of them).

China Leads Medal Count, But Where’s Canada?

Thanks to Yang Wei, the Chinese gymnast who nabbed the gold in last night’s (or morning’s) all-around individual event, the Chinese are now first overall in the medal count as of last night.  But don’t worry, flag waving Americans, our rootin’ tootin’ team is just one medal behind (and leading in silver and bronze medals to boot!).  What’s more pressing, however, is that our neighbors to the north have garnered zero medals so far.  And we’re already almost a third of the way done with the games.

But the Canadian government, is like, totally cool with it.  Even patriotic Canadians are cheering and screaming for their succesful athletes, even though not a single one has brought home any hardware yet. And even though Canada is locked in massive tie in 79th place (ha!) for overall medals (or lack thereof), the CBC thinks that they’re totally going to dominate Track and Field.

Maybe for just one night, Stephen Harper should consider adopting Michael Phelps as Canada’s native son…

The Michael Phelps Diet

Are you tired of being a fat-assed slob and wish that you could have the dream body like world’s greatest swimmer and multi-Olympic Gold Medalist Michael Phelps?  Then boy, do we have the diet plan for you.

If you think Michael Phelps got this physique by watching his weight and eating proper, you are horribly wrong.  According to The Wall Street Journal, Phelps eats roughly 12,000 calories a day.  To put that into perspective, that’s about six times what a normal person should eat.  Do you think you could stomach the Phelps diet for one day?

After The Jump: A typical menu for Michael Phelps (excerpted from The Wall Street Journal)

What’s Wrong With This Picture?

Over the last two days, the Spanish Basketball Team (or as they like to be known, El Equipo de Baloncesto Nacional de España) has been getting a lot of flack for this photo, which has been regarded as racist.  Yes, they are slanting their eyes.  Yes, it has been splayed all over the Spanish media and advertisements.  Yes, even Jason Kidd is angry (there are NBA players here!).  But so what?  Last time I turned on the TV or checked the Olympics coverage, I didn’t see mass protests in the plazas of Beijing calling for the Spanish team to disqualify themselves, or Chinese hurling equally racial insults at the Spanish.  Nope, the only reaction I saw was one I’ve seen a million times before: White PC flacks getting all uppity about racism.  Besides, let’s not take our focus off of what an incredibly successful games this is turning out to be so far (despite one horrible tragedy that the media is rudely overshadowing), and that we’ve already seen history.  Twice.

So, to the media who is calling Spain racist, offensive, and rude, please do us a favor and shut the fuck up.  To Spain, a modest apology to China would be a nice gesture.  And to the rest of the world, just sit back and watch the games unfold.  It’s much more enjoyable to take it all in rather than nitpick every gesture and minute detail.

NBC Thanks Their Lucky Peacock-Feathered Stars for Phelps and Johnston

It’s certainly been a whirlwind couple of days for Team USA.  Michael Phelps became the winningest olympian ever.  A Hamm-less men’s gymnastics team eked out a bronze medal.  And the women’s gymnastics team, feautring the ever-dominant Shawn Johnston, nabbed a silver medal (they got beaten by a bunch of eighth grade girls).  But the biggest winner in this olympics so far?  Team NBC, who drew 30 million viewers last night, and has averaged more viewers so far than the Athens Olympic Games.  It also drew five times as many viewers as its closest competitor, ABC.

After The Jump: The secrets of NBC’s success.

Let The Doping Begin!

In case you’re living under a rock or are a total sociopath, you probably already knew that today, 8.8.08 marks the very first day of the Beijing Summer Olympic Games.  And already there’s tons of controversy and mayhem (and the opening ceremonies haven’t even been televised here yet)!  It’s not quite as bad as the Tour de Farce (yet), but check out what’s already been brewing without a single event even happening yet:

• A couple of female Chinese gymnasts are reportedly underage.  Official documents say that He Kexin and Jiang Yuyuan are 16 (the IOC minimum competition age), but others have reported that the gymnastics phenoms are only 14.  What’s wrong, rest of the world?  Afraid of being beaten by a bunch of little girls?
• A once promising U.S. mens gymnastics team is now in serious jeopardy as two of its star competitors have been sidelined just days before opening ceremonies.  Helium-voiced Paul Hamm (and most recently, his twin brother Morgan), both citing critical injuries that would leave them unable to compete, have pulled out of the Olympics.  While the Hamm’s appear to be disheartened, yet confident in the decision they have made, a source close to the Olympics says that it is not pregnant.
• Members of the U.S. cycling team caused quite a stir upon arriving in Beijing earlier this week when they donned face masks, citing the poor air quality as the reason.  Shunned by the IOC and the Chinese government, the mask wearers have since apologized for the incident.  Although they claim not to have a particular statement regarding their choice for wearing the masks, I suspect that their only intention was to prove that cyclists are total douchebags.
• And finally, a new Speedo swimsuit is apparently making waves (ha!) with the Olympic swimmers.  Called the “LZR”, this suit, made using space-age technology, is being touted as the most aerodynamic uniform in competititve swimming, helping athletes like Michael Phelps and Natalie Coughlin shatter records and reach blazing speeds in the water.  Many competitors who are not fortunate enough to wear the suit are crying foul, saying it gives those who wear it an unfair advantage.  Furthermore, athletes who are tied to other manufacturers for sponsorships (like Japanese athletes who swim with Mizuno) are unable to wear the suit, but some have been given special exception to do so.  Or as Meredith Viera put so eloquently on Today, “It would be as if LeBron James wore Puma with Nike’s blessing,” proving that Americans don’t give a crap or know anything about swimming without a reference to a US spectator sport.  Thanks Meredith!

For those who wish to watch the only Olympic event without any doping (I think), the Opening Ceremonies will be broadcast tonight on NBC, which is good for them, considering nobody watches their programming anyway.