The Lane Train

News and Pop Culture for the Blog Generation

The Awesome Year of Terrible Television

Posted by thelanetrain on June 25, 2008

(From left to right: New York Goes to Hollywood, I Love Money, Rock of Love Girls: Charm School)

As if VH1 couldn’t do any worse, their anticipated line-up of “celebreality” shows looks seriously dismal.  For the love of god, we hope that you’re not stuck at home and forced to watch these train wrecks in progress, let alone, go online for the exclusive web content.  And it seems that central casting has had a very hard time finding new camera whores participants, mostly because almost all of VH1’s new shows feature people we’ve seen before.

After The Jump: The Full Rundown

VH1 is doing a great job proving that it’s damn near impossible to make trashier programming than they can (and notice we said near impossible).  The recently unveiled summer-into-fall lineup of its celebrity-themed reality programming is less than impressive and in the least bit, uncreative.  It’s sort of been the theme at their network lately: trying to use the same formula and apply it to every piece of programming they got.  Of the three shows getting a shout out, one features a gaggle of sorta-kinda-famous reality show participants who vie for cash performing crazy stunts wearing little clothing (sounds familiar?), one features a loudmouth bumblehead who only became famous after getting rejected by a shriveled prune TWICE and then used VH1 to launch her own career, and the other…well, its just dumb.  But we’ll explain them all….right now.

I LOVE MONEY: In this reality show competition, rejected contestants from such memorable classics like Rock of Love, I Love New York, and Flavor of Love compete in physical challenges to win the ultimate grand prize of $250,000.  That’s weird, because this site just shows a lot of half-naked contestants C-Listers posing happily with wads of fake cash (kinda like this guy, who was Aleksey Vayner‘ed on Gawker a couple weeks ago).  According to the synopsis, over 100 people’s lives were ruined on VH1 reality dating shows, and that the fifteen selected to compete on this one were just money-hungry fame whores.  No way!  However, we couldn’t stop laughing at this blurb

A Survior-esque spin on the “of Love” format gives a single cast member each week the power of deciding who goes home. It will be a cutthroat competition as cast members sharpen their backstabbing skills in the fight for their fortune.

And what a coincidence, the spitting girl from Flavor of Love is like, the poster-girl for the show.  The only possibly redeeming quality for this show would be to see if she spits on Midget Mac after a painful elimination.  Spitting + Midgets + Fighting = Awesome, no matter how you slice it.

NEW YORK GOES TO HOLLYWOOD: Arguably the most fame-obsessed reality alumna of VH1, Miss New York (neé Tiffany Pollard), with her fake tits and all has always set her sights on being Flavor Flav’s woman finding true love becoming an actress, so she’s leaving her home state of New York to go west to California to find fame and fortune in the glitzy streets of Hollywood…and she had to bring VH1’s cameras along with her, of course.  For fans of I Love New York 2, no, she will not be bringing her lapdog boytoy with her (he claims he is too busy working at Mark Ecko and spending time with his daughter…and New York has no time for office careers…or children).  We’re still not really sure what to expect from this show, as VH1 is keeping pretty mum on the details, but we promise that when it premieres in August, expect a lot of shouting, “bad weave” jokes, and people being swallowed whole by staring at her tits.  It’s also probably a safe bet that her equally fame-grubbing mother, Sister (or is it Sistah?) Patterson will probably make an appearance…or three.

ROCK OF LOVE GIRLS:  CHARM SCHOOL: Last summer, a bunch of has-beens from the Flavor of Love series were thrown into a house in order to help improve their own womanhood.  With Mo’nique at the helm, we watched as these former rejects turned from intolerable skanks to sorta-tolerable people.  Well, since everybody knows that Rock of Love is Flavor of Love for white people (otherwise known as “Nillas“), there had to be a contestant-themed spin-off to go along with it.  This time, former reality show subject, talk show host, and recognizable celebrity Sharon Osbourne will host the girls from Rock of Love as they pretty much do the same thing as those Flavorettes from last summer.  Like New York, not much press has been released about the show since it’s slated to debut in the fall, but we really, really hope that the foreign chick with the big floppy lips from Season Two is selected to be on the show.  We just feel sad everytime we have to look at her.  And god please let there be stripper poles!

So there you have it:  Three trash-tastic reality shows slated to debut on VH1.  For those interested, the other mind-numbingly reality yet-sorta-scripted show EVERYONE loves premieres in a month and a half on MTV.

(Images via Spare Room Knits, Flavor of Love World, and Photobucket)


One Response to “The Awesome Year of Terrible Television”

  1. I found your site on technorati and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you down the road!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: